Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize