If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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