Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
