i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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