I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
