My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
