I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
