I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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