I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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