enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
