We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
