I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We need to get me chipped asap
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
