i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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