We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
