sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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