i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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