Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
