I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
