it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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