my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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