Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
