some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
