You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
