I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
