I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
