ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
