Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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