home. puking in laundry basket.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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