i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The police scanner is talking about you again....
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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