watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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