You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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