is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
