dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
