remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
