I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
