if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
