I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My ass is underappreciated
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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