1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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