i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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