Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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