dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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