history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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