My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Send help, water and tortillas.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
