Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
