i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
