Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
