I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
