my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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