This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
