they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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