What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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