Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize