I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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