i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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