i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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