I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
