He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
