so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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